Love keeps no records of wrong.

I heard something today and it really hit the nail on the head.It seemed to be speaking to me very directly.It taught me a lesson.

In 1986,there was a strike by the municipal workers iin Philiadelphia, and rubbish in the city piled up.The city has very little resources and the rubbish became a crisis.No one else wanted to take Philadelphia's trash.

The owners of a huge freighter called the Pelicano, offered to take the rubbish and transport it elsewhere.The rubbish was incenerated and dumped into the ship.The only problem was that no one wanted to let the ship into its port,from Sri lanka to Indonesia to Hondorous.

A perfectly good ship became the worlds most unwanted ship because it was full of somebody elses trash.

Life has a way of unloading its rubbish onto our decks.We can choose to allow all the hurt,pain,jealousy and hatred be unloaded onto our decks.Or can prevent it from happening.Of course there are times when it is inevitable.But the important thing is how we deal with the trash.By letting the trash sit and allowing it to fester,it just makes things worse.It makes us bitter and full of hatred.It causes us to have a rotten attitude to life where all the comes out from our mouth is nothing but complaints.Just as no port wanted the ship full of rubbish,no one would want to hang around with you if you allow everything to fester.Deal with it,learn to forgive,learn to love because love keeps no record of wrong.

Its hard to love our enemies.Its a constant struggle for me to have to learn how to love the people i hate.Today sitting there listening to this hit me hard.A voice was telling me "thats you!you are that ship".It was so blatant and so explicit i could not have possibly have missed the point.I need to learn how to forgive, to let go and to love.because not only does it make life so much better,it helps me be a better person.Easier said then done but something we can all try nonetheless.

How do you know whats in store for you tomorrow?You do not.No matter what,we can never ever be prepared enough for tomorrow.Life is quite sudden.And it can be taken away at any moment.When it happens,no matter how strong you told yourself you were gonna be,would never be enough for the heartache.

Its sad how we take things for granted.How we are so prone to resentment,jealousy and hate because it has to take tragic events in life to teach us how to treasure the people and the things around us so much more.It teaches me that i still have a lot to deal with but I have to learn how to let go of all the negativity that i am bottling up inside.It helped me realise,every family has its problems.Pictures may speak a thousand words,but a picture perfect moment can never reveal the flaws of a family or the tense ongoings within the family unit.No one is perfect.Its through love,that our flaws become perfection in each others eyes.It took me a bit too long to realise,i need to learn to give my parents a chance,my siblings a chance.No family can ever be perfect and i dont need to make things worse by putting my expectations of perfection on them.

I love this family photo.Its just such a perfect family shot and when i look at it,it warms my heart because i know we are a family.Tell the loved ones around you that you love them while you still can.Tell them that you love them because you can.Life is too short to leave things to the last minute.

I am most probably on my way to studying Hotel management in Australia.I got accepted by Aust Intl Hotel Sch which is in Canberra.I managed to be awarded a scholarship.Not a full one but its good enough.Never really thought it would happen.But it did and i am really grateful for it.

I have just been thinking.If i were to leave this place.Will i really be able to tear myself away?

Advice.We get a lot of it.I get a lot of it.We get it out of concern,out of love.Out of spite maybe?I choose not to think so.When we give others advice,does the advice come from genuine concern?In a world and society so twisted I wish I could believe that it is always the case.

To be honest with you,it is not the case.Sometimes,the advice we give our friends is delivered with an air of "i knew it" and "i told you so".WE love to dispense advice because it sometimes makes us feel good,it makes us feel as if we know how to handle the situation better.When you give advice,dont be too self righteous.

Dont be too certain and dont predict the future for the poor guy.Thats the last thing he needs.When people turn to each other for advice or counsel,what they need is a shoulder to cry on,to lean on.They dont need a jury.

Its rare that my sister and I have these little sms chit chat sessions given our somewhat rocky relationship.I still remember always getting into an argument with her.There was even this time during lunch I splashed my cup of water at her.I am not a very nice brother am i.

At camp today I happened to run into Kristy's boyfriend who is doing reservist in my airbase.Kristy is my sisters good friend.I was recognised at Joanna's brother.Hmm...So i thought I message my sis to tell her.

me:I just saw Kristy's boyfriend at my airbase.

sis:is it?oh ya.he is doing his reservist now.you spoke to him?

me:no.he did.he recognised me.I was wondering which admirer of yours from school was he.

sis:very funny.I am surprised he recognised you.

me:why not.I have a very charming face.

sis.please.what charming face.

I know its kinda trivial.Not much of a substance.But its one of the rare conversations the both of us get to have.

"i beg to disagree. take it from someone whose heart's more broken now than it has possibly ever been before. You're better off not having loved at all."

A reply to my post about having loved and lost than not at all.

You know,admittedly,the idea of having loved and lost than not at all sometimes seems a bit too noble,a bit too romanticised.But if you think about it,when you have loved and lost,there had to be times during that period that you told yourself you teasure forever.Of course no one can understand the heartache you are going through now.Outsiders can only begin to understand.But i think the only consolation and the beauty of it all is that we will learn to love again one day.Its really hard to say anything because i know when heart broken,one becomes very cynical.When it comes to love,you have either the cynics or the romantics.No in between.Admittedly,I am in no position to talk about love.

How often do you feel like you are being taken advantage of or that your taken for granted.Every once in a while,we feel like we are being taken for granted.And then every once in a while,we take the people around us for granted.

We get angry and resent being taken for granted.I know I do.Yet,I am as guilty as any other murderer for taking the people around me for granted.No one likes to be used but sometimes,we allow it to happen.We allow others to exploit us for the very simple fact that we love them and although we grouse and gripe we still allow others to make use of us.We feel so stupid when it happens cos we say to ourselves,"damn.i let it happen again".But love is such that it makes us fall into that trap,to keep giving in because when you love,its unconditional.

I used to feel like I was being taken for granted by a certain girl.Basically cos i had feelings for her.Sometimes i felt like i was being taken for granted by the family and my parents.I allowed all this to happen because it was out of love,and sense of duty and obligation.

When you give people some space,they ask for a room.There used to be this chinese idiom i studied.I think it was when you give people an inch they ask for a mile.There comes a point in time,where you gotta put your foot down and say you dont want this anymore.I told my friend this the other night in his car."You can always say no.but its because you feel like its yr sense of duty that you carry on being taken advantage of."Sometimes,the art to survival is being an ass.Sometimes people need to know what is life without you,then will they start to treasure you.

In other news,the last 24hrs have not exactly been the best.I think i landed myself in some trouble.And I realised today i lost 50bucks that I had in my wallet.Bloody hell.I dunno how it happened but I am certainly not a happy camper damnit.

Is it better to have loved and lost or not at all?

I'd choose to have loved and lost.Because i think being able to experience love is a wonderful thing.To have nothing at all,is sad.It just makes the world and even colder place.We might gripe about the loss but then life moves on doesnt it.I am sure soon we will find that we will be able to love again.

Its better to have loved and lost.

Went to remove my stitches today from my wisdom tooth op.My mouth feels like its been freed.Wanted to go for a swim but the weather was damn disappointing.Feel kinda cheated actually.It was damn sunny at first and then when I went down to the pool,i realised it was so cloudy and it looked like it was gonna rain.Bad bad weather for a day by the pool.

While on duty last night,my buddy and i were just talking about how messed up army was.I know i usually gripe about army but if there is one thing that i am grateful for is that i now know how ugly humans can get with all the back stabbing and politics.Anyway, he told me he missed school,he missed being a student.

It was something I said to dave a while back.Sometimes i do miss school especially looking at the pictures i took in school.I am gonna have to quote dave again.He told me that its because school is all very innocent.Which is true.There was nothing much to worry about besides grades.The only other thing i remember worrying about was whether or not my hair was a mess when i went to school.Even though we all thought school sucks,being a student sucks because of all the stress and shit,its all so very mild.I know the one thing i definitely did not have to worry about when i was a student is how to maximise my 13 days of leave for the whole year.I mean we had school holidays and it was definitely more than 13 freaking miserable days of leave.

As much as I do kinda miss school,i think we all have to sooner or later move away from the era of innocence.its all part of the growing process.fights bewteen guys about who made out with who at zouk is all just so frivolous and petty.even as we are moving away from the era of innocence,i still dont think we or rather I am ready for the real world out there.

Caleb:the stress is gonna go away pretty soon.just keep pushing and its gonna be over.nothing you cant manage i am pretty sure of that.you know that you arent doing this alone.

"why do you resent so much?just have to learn to let go.life is too short to be bitter "

I realised recently,i have a lot of issues i had yet to settle.This caused a lot of resentment in me and made me very bitter and unhappy with everything around me.Caused me to be suspicious of how people saw me,of how friends treated me made me so insecure. Talking to Dave today made me realised something I should have realised so long ago.I have got to let go.Its not about numbing myself because when it the numbness wears off,the pain just gets worse.I just have to learn to let go.

The one thing he said to me that struck was this.He said to me "you are fighting yourself.No ones fighting you.Just you.You cant win so dun fight." I know,I have been struggling with so many things deep inside and today I just want to let it all go. To let go of all the hurt,anger and resentment because its hurting not only me,but the people around me.

He reminded me of something i said in my older posts."Let every goodbye be followed by a hello".Life goes on and I have to know how to move on too. To give everyone else around me a chance,to cut them some slack.I am going to try to let go, to look at life less seriously.Of course not be frivolous towards life but to not be so uptight about everything.I dont know how I am going to do it.But I will.

Thanks dave.For not judging.You have been a great friend.

wont you let me catch your fall

wont you let me lend a hand

those lonely eyes have seen it all

but loves too blind to understand

cos you dont know what you have

till your everything is gone

you need someone to show you how to live again

i wanna be there when your feeling high

i wanna be there when you wanna die

i'm gonna light your fire

gonna fuel your flame

i wanna be there when you go insane

i wanna be there when your feelin down

and i wanna be there when your head is spinnin round

gonna be your lover

gonna be your friend

i wanna be there till the end

you wouldnt know i was there

cos i have been there all the time

and if i had my way i'd hold you in my arms

and leave this madness all behind

cos you got so much to give

but you throw it all away

and all you got to show for who you are is pain

and i've got so much to give

if you only let me in

i'm gonna take the time to show you i'm a friend

you'll believe in love again.

i wanna be there in the pouring rain

i wanna be there when you call my name

i'm gonna light your fire

gonna fuel your flame

i wanna be there when you go insane

i wanna be there when I'm outta town

and when your whole damn world is crashing down

i'm gonna be your lover

gonna be your friend

i'm gonna be there till the end

~blessed union of souls~

I Wanna Be There

Last night was incredible.Walas with John and Kenny was amazing.The night started out looking bleak when we couldnt get a table.However,after the band started playing and a lychee martini the night started to get a whole lot better. The band EIC was seriously damn good.They played songs from U2,George Michael,Robbie Williams and John Mayer.Unlike other live bands,they really know their stuff and know how to work the crowd.

I really had a lot of fun and a bit too much to drink.But I was really glad that I went and the night turned out great.Got home at 1.30,too tired and lazy to really shower.I shampooed my hair to get rid of the wax and plonked myself into bed.Even as I type,I still have the faded wala-wala stamp on my hand.I am not a dirty smelly boy but it just didnt come off.Honest!

I did a bit of thinking this week with regards to my last post,when a friend of mine asked if i wanted to let him help.I did get help before when I had problems in the past.Its not that I dont need or want help.I just dont like the idea of being seen as weak.At least not in front of people.Its a stigma I guess.

Today is sort of a shitty day.Its been for the past week.I am physically and mentally tired and feeling out of sorts.I may be exxagerating but I have been feeling rather crabby.

It really hit me to see how fragile life is and it made it worse when i realised that I have not made the most out of my nearly 20 years of life.When life can be taken away from anyone,even me so suddenly,it made me wonder,how good a friend,a son and a brother I have been.Honestly,I have lost it and today,I kinda felt like breaking down cos all the years I have live have in essence come to naught and I felt as if I have been a disappointment to so many people.

If the next few years of life is mine to live,I want to try and make it right.As much as i said i dont have regrets.The biggest regret I have is that I have not been a friend enough to anyone.Sorry.

A friend recently commented that I should check my EQ.As much as I hate to admit it, there is this nagging feeling that he is right about my EQ.Recently, I have been feeling more and more strongly that I may have burned more bridges than I imagine.

I know I have not exactly been the nicest guy around,or the most fun person to hang around.I have tried to be.Or so I think.Maybe its time to try harder,although sometimes I feel that I harder I try, the worse things become. Over the past years,all I have ever known is to be guarded against the people and the friends I know because I dont want to be betrayed like I have before.

When I look at the friends I have around me and as I reflect my relationship with them.I wonder where I have gone wrong.Maybe its my insecurities speaking.But my gut is strong when I say I have burned more bridges than I can ever ever imagine.