I never realised how much school and my past meant to me until now.Every now and then I think about school and my past and all the happy memories.Then I realise where I am in my life now,and my heart just breaks in desperation for those happy times again.I never knew I would miss school so much.I never knew how much sitting in the void deck during free periods would mean to me,or hanging out in the council room starring out the window or planning council events and getting stressed out. So many times,I remenisce about the past and many times,my heart just drops when I realised that I have to move on.

Lately,I have become numb to the world,numb to myself and to all the advice people give to me.I have become defeated.I just feel to weary and tired(i know I have said this many times).I know I need to take stock of my life now,but then where do I start picking up the pieces at this point of confusion and darkness?

I dont want to go to command school,yet at the same time,I feel like I might disappoint people who care for me.And that is the worst feeling you can ever have.People tell me that I should go to OCS or SISPEC at the very least.But how do i tell them that I do not want to?I feel like people judge you from whether you go to OCS or SISPEC.If you do go,your deemed to be good,brave and courageous.To me,its all a bunch of crap,all these talk about honor or prestige is like chafe in the wind to me.Don't judge a person from what he does,but what he has a passion for.

After so many weeks of army talk n whining,i decided to put my brains to good use n start to think.

Relationships...whoever thought that it could be so complicated.Love,emotional attachments only complicate it more.Love is bittersweet.Depending on where you look for love,it can go either way for you and me.I may sound naive when I say this,but love is something that should be active and spontaneous and that is what a relationship filled with love between a couple should be like.Yet,many times in the things we get familiar with,we start to become complacent and soon the relationship will just be another baggage that is stuck with us.It starts to become a burden and along the way,we get distracted by better things and we start to stray.Yet,we may not want to give up that baggage because we feel guilty.As if everything,I feel we should take stock of our lives,relationships and careers to see where it will bring us in life.Taking stock,helps us to see that we are comfortable with our next step in life.

The past few days at home have been absolutely wonderful.Being home gives me this sense of comfort and peace,something that I do not feel everyday.I am no longer myself and even thought I am at home or out with friends,there are times when this feeling of depression sweeps me over.I have no idea what to do or what to say anymore.Either for a lack of ability to express myself or because I am just so weary emotionally.This thing is really eating me.

Where is God in all this?Where do I include God?Honestly,I have not and I have made God absent from all this.When the darkness overwhelms you throughout the day and when you are put through trials and testings,God just seems so far away and I have over the past few months drifted further and further away from God.Someone told me to always keep God in sight no matter what.Sometimes its hard.I told myself,I would be able to.But its hard and I am just very tired off all this.I just need a break away from everything.A break where I do not have to worry about army,where no one talks about army,where I can just be happy.If your tired of listening to me whine,so am I. I don't know what to say anymore.I really want to just run away from everything,to just run from all my problems,to just escape from this world.

The war is on.The war that I am fighting within me.Or so my friends call.It has been a very dark period in my life the past few months,the darkest ever and I am constantly having to fight off negative thoughts,constantly motivate myself,constantly search within me,trying to identify the problem.People cant really recognise me when they see me nowadays.I wonder if it is just because I have lost weight and hv lost my hair.Is it just that or is it really something more?I just dont feel like normal self anymore,I have lost the joy in my life.I no longer feel like I deserve to be joyful with what life offers.I can laugh,but who knows if I am crying inside.I can smile,but who knows that I am hurting inside.

Its this constant conflict that is tearing up inside.Everyone says homesick is easy to deal with and that I will have to get over it soon because I cant be with my family forever.I know I cant.Do they really have to state the obvious?Do they really think I am that naive?I am fighting feelings in my life everyday,fighting with my own thoughts.I do not even know what the problem is.Homesickeness is one of it.I sometimes feel as if it is deeper than that,but I do not know what.I am told to keep searching and keep looking for what the problem is.How much energy do I have to constantly search or to constantly reflect and wonder?

Yet,at the same time,I wonder if I am really troubled or just want attention.I have been whining for so long.Despite all the advice that has been coming in,I am still the same.Do I really want to be helped?I wonder...

Chinese New Year always had a special place in my heart,although Christmas is always been the favourite time of the year for me, Chinese New year was always the time where I would be able to stay up late with the family,put up all the decorations and go to the flower market with mom and dad to buy flowers for the home and most importantly,the money I would get from all the relatives and all the bak kua!!

Chinese New Year has been changing every year,not really for the better.To a certain extent for the worse.But still,it is wonderful to be able to spend time with the family.After book out yesterday,went down to Chinatown with my parents to get some new year stuff and to walk around.Basically,I went down because I had this crazy idea of buying those chinese embroidered silk tops to wear for new year.I realised how dumb it was cos when I actually saw those tops, it looked weird and I would have looked like some chee ko peh wanting to act cool.Whatever it is,it would have looked damn off. It was still good to spend time with my parents in Chinatown and feel that whole bazzar environment,where everyone is trying to hawk their ware in time for the new year.It was really interesting and my parents and I bought a hell lot of food.Mom went to buy the cheese sausages from the austrain guy and i bought 2 cups of grass jelly with aloe vera.It was just damn nice for a hot day despite the price of the drink.

Visitation today,made me wonder how life for me would be like when I grow old.Looking at my grandma,made me feel a sense of pity and a feeling of heartache when I saw the state that she was in.I really felt sorry for her,for someone who used to be so active to someone who has to be fed blended food,who has to be helped about when she walks and who has to use a wheelchair.Its sad when I see her being so feeble.Although I have never really liked her before,I cant help but feel sad and sorry for her.I wish I wont have to grow old,or even to have to grow up.

It always feels good to be back home.Being on the ferry home is a feeling of pure joy and sometimes elation.I am glad to have gotten through the past 12 days in camp and outfield.It is very nice to be outfield,living in nature,where in the mornings,the forest has a wonderful scent that is so refreshing and so pleasant that no perfume can compare with.Sometimes, the forest looks so splendid in all its majesty that you forget that your life is just so shitty.I would say that I did enjoy some parts of the field camp,but at times,it was just pure torture.I am just glad that I made it through and I am looking forward to the 6 days of break I will get for CNY.Ang pow money here I come!!