For todays lesson,we learn about motifs.
A motif is:
A recurrent thematic element in an artistic or literary work, or a dominant theme or central idea.And since this is not a literary work,in my story for today we will see motif as a dominant theme.
The motif that can be clearly seen in this passage is that of failure...Why?Firstly, I didnt make it today.I didnt make the pass.I cant feel upset because admittedly I am not all that prepared as I should be.I just wish I could do something more about it.I didnt.I refused to admit to myself that I was not prepared,that I had been slacking off.I told myself I wanted it bad.But i didnt show it.I was lazy and now I am paying the price for it.I cant feel discouraged because I am numb.Inside of me I feel mixed up.I try to paint a picture that is that of pity,but in actual fact,pathetic is a better word to use.Pathetic in the cynical sense.Pathetic in a tone of spite.I dont get it.I scoff at people who indulge in self pity.Yet,I am indulging in self pity at this very moment.No matter what people say,some things can be controlled.It is just a matter of whether you want to have a part to play in your life or just hope that everything will just go according to YOUR "GRAND" plan.

Today's leaflet distribution for SSO was a good experience.Here are some learning points.
1.To those who are afraid of rejection.Here is the perfect remedy to get used to rejection,when people reject taking leaflets from you.And did I mention that the rejection is plentiful?
2.When giving out the leaflets,target the aunties.Turn on the charm boys and girls and they will gladly take the leaflet from you.
3.Dont bother about hot girls in power office suits or tubes.They dont take it from you.
4.No matter how much we think that expats are a bunch of bumbling idiots who come here only to increase the levels of withdrawals from our country,there are also bumbling idiots of Singaporeans who like to wave you away with their hand when you try to give them flyers.
5.There is this new plague called "leaflets distributors".Symptom of this virus is when u see droves of people deliberately avoiding you like very bad B.O.

Haha.well...we all learn something new everyday.

Its times like this that I wish I didnt have to feel so afraid and vulnerable,not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow.I just wish there wasnt this uncertainty.Although,you may think that we do not know the future.But dont you think that there are some things one can be certain about.I admit,I feel weak now.All alone somehow despite being surrounded by so many people.Ever had that feeling?I hate it.Worrying about the future that is uncertain, that may not work toward my favour.I know I have to be positive but when fear undermines positive thoughts and turns it into doubts,you feel like your stranded in the pacific ocean.Somebody save me now!

Somehow,this song just appeals to me and kind of describes my feelings rather aptly.I dont know why I am feeling this way,but dont patronise me and dont make it seem like u try to understand me and how I feel.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's
Welcome to my life
-simple plan:Welcome to my life

One thing you should know if you ever go out for a meal.Dont eat where there is a KTV lounge.Most of the time,you lose yr appetite when the idiot belting out the karaoke songs cant sing for nuts and ends up sounding like pavarotti screaming from the excruciating pain of wearing tight underwear.laters...

I think there is something in the air during the end of the year.Everyone seems to either be falling in love or to be lovelorn.Everyone seems to be entangled in this intoxcicating web of love that looks attractive.Yet when is ensares you,sometimes you wish you never got caught in that web of love.

This reminds me of last year when I was so smitten with this special someone.We were good friends and reading signs which I thought would help me to see if she liked me proved to be deadly.Because it just set my expectations so high.Love has this ablilty to blind you and trap you.I had known she was out of my league,yet I chose to make myself believe that when there is love between a couple,everything will work out.How naive of me.I continued to be her close friend,getting rather chummy with each other even encouraging her to get together with the guy she liked,although it would have been a long distance relationship.Selfless love?Definitely not.Retarded would be it.I kept brooding over it,dreaming about it,thinking it was wonderful to be in love.Until the day she found out about my feelings for her,everything seemed to be perfect.Not feeling the same way,she left.What I had at first,was the idea of love that was perfect,what I was left with was the perfect picture of a brusied ego and a broken heart.Somehow,I still hang on.We are still friends.Close friends.I choose to tell myself now that we are in a merely platonic relationship.Deep down inside,I still hang on.I know I have to move on.I have to and I need to.Yet,I still cling on,somehow,hoping for something.To her:If you ever read this and know that I am talking about you,I just hope if it changes things,it changes things for the better.You have been a great friend,although sometimes,I dont know what the status of our friendship is.

To those who feel that they are hopelessly in love or hopeless in love(like me).I know this sounds cliche, but dont go looking for love.Let love come to you.Of course dont sit back and do nothing about it.Let it happen naturally.When it is your time,it will happen.Otherwise,the relationship would be too synthetic and it loses the appeal and the relationship will fall apart.And although you may think there is nothing good about being dumped or having love problems,the good thing is that you know who your real friends are.

the morning after...

Its finally over!Its a huge load off my back.Nights and days of fretting are gone.Well...not exactly,I still hv my napfa test to fret about.What a bummer.

Yesterday night was great.Went out with Bert,Joel and Tris to watch Bridget Jones Diary:The Edge Of Reason.It is a really good show.Not a typical chick flick.Really funny.Although its set in Britain there is really no dry Brit humour.Dont get what the 2star rating was about man.Movie reviewers are crap.Never listen to movie review and just go with what you want to watch.I laughed a hell lot during the movie.Everyone should go catch the movie.Though a tad predictable at certain points,where you know she is definitely going to embaress herself,it is really funny and a really good laugh.

After the movie we went to a bar for some drinks and just sit around and talk.Never ever order a martini sweet or dry under any circumstances unless you really like drinking medicine.You might think I am an old soul and a tad boring(ok,very boring) but I think I would prefer to just sit at a bar then go to clubs where guys slime girls.Thats a bit too much for me.They should have their own party in a hotle in geylang if they wanna slime girls at a club.Oh and 1 more thing.Not that I learnt this last night.But...the bar/club/pub is the VERY LAST PLACE you wanna pick anyone up.Cos its too dark to even see how they look like and so you think anyone who wears are tube there is good looking and at that point, you are most probably intoxicated so probably not a good idea.haha.

Ok...lets see.Geog paper was the shit.Really horrible.How the hell am I going to differentiate between an igneous,sedimentary and metamorphic rock?That is like first 3 mths stuff that somehow or other i didnt have the good sense to look through it.What the hell?!Anyway...the brits in cambridge caught us there.Cant imagine what grades I will get next year in march.On the bright side.I dont ever have to do physical geog ever again and learn concepts about rocks that are not even living things.Its the last paper tomorrow.The last exam of my jc life.I cant be happier.When uni comes then I may reconsider what I said.Now...after tomorrow I gotta train my butt off for napfa test.Step up the intensity.Whatever it is,I am definitely not going in on the 10th of Dec.Even better if I get downgraded.Still waiting for that "miracle".haha.I still think army is a waste of time,although ironically,I may grow to enjoy it.Whatever.

to sean,chia:Chia was peeping at me.haha.Chia..What do you know about Sean's hair?haha.Peeping again ah.haha

Not good...not good...geog paper is in about 16 hours away and minus the time i need to sleep and travel to school i only have 7 more hours of study time.Freaking out is not good for me now...but I cant help me.Really panicking.I am so dead.

and so the countdown begins.2more miserable days to the end of the A level period for me.Not counting today.Yesterdays econs was bad.Screwed up all my econs papers for the As.But...people always say,no point crying over spilled milk.But I am not crying!Haha.Cos I dont have to see my econs teacher ever again!!Now...how can I cry about that?haha.

Was talking to a friend on MSN last night about love.Here's what he said.Girls like attention so whenever guys chase after them they give positive signals, in some sense always leading guys on.I absolutely agree with that.Then he said as a redeeming point that girls at the end of the day want only 1 person to love them and to be faithful to them.As for guys,I just think quite a lot of guys want to love many girls while expecting that 1 girl beside them to love them and do everything for them.Haha.If only love and life were much simpler.But then...where would all the excitement be?

I often wonder how many of us think that our lives really suck bad because someone dumped us,the person we like does not like us in return,or that our parents dont give us enough money to spend or maybe even some girls may be in despair because they think that their rack is not big enough.Do we really think our live is in the dumps just because we cannot find the right clothes to wear to prom?Or do we try to fit into the cool crowd or like my friend calls,the superfakes to feel that our live is good.I just think that having lived in Singapore,in our own sheltered lives, we are all so naive and narrow minded to the extent of being selfish and backstabbing.

Until now,I was guilty of that to a certain extent.Some people may say to a large extent.haha.But look around us.Children in Philipines are born in dumps called the Smoky Mountains because there is always fires that occur from the naturally combustable methane gases emitted from the MOUNTAIN of rubbish.Although Smoky Mountains is no more,there is another place in Manila called Payattas,where again,kids stay amongst rubbish,create a living for themselves and their family amongst the rubbish.They have no education and can only dream of living a life that we live and often complain about.Or even street kids whose home is the street.Some of them have no chance of having a home and some of us dont even want to go home when it is time to go home.How about orphans in Russia?All of them are skin and bones from the day that they are abandoned.They are malnourished because of the lack of food and nutrition.While on the other hand we would rather consume junk food which has absolutely no nutrition at all or think the food we eat at home sucks.You definitely wont believe all I say until you see it for youself.Until we have seen it for ourselves,we will keep thinking that the world revolves around us and keep living our own little selfish lives.Wake up and just look around.Not everything is about you.

Ok guys.Its official.I am officially pushed beyond my mental and physical limits.Anymore essays that I have to write will just make me puke.I am past the halfway mark and 3 more days of exams and I will be done with rigid school ciriculum.A couple of us were just talking about it today.I just realised how ironic it will be when we cant wait to have nothing in the world to do but when we are done we will not know what to do with our time and wish we had something that we could do.Ironic that when we all cant wait to get out into the world,to be able to colour our hair or whatever rebellious things as a symbol of our freedom.Yet when we get our "freedom" we wish for the security and stability that school has for us.At this point in time,how many of us can safely say that we are ready to leave the nest of spoonfeeding,security and constant reassurances to go out into the world of back-biting and constant insecurity?Even some adults cant handle this so what makes us think we can?To kids still in,treasure the security and see how fortunate you are to be in a sheltered environment in your own schools.Dont bitch about how tight a leash your parents put on you or how teachers "steal" your social life.Be very careful what you wish for.

And on other news:
I often wonder why girls ask other people questions that they already know the answer to.
Heres one example.Girl asks a guy in a store whether the skirt is wants to buy makes her look fat.The guy thinks and cos the he does not want to offend her he says no.Although he thinks otherwise.The girl not satisfied asks,"you sure?I think it does.Although...I quite like it."The guys insists it doesnt so that they can get out of the shop quickly.The girl continues to ask not believing the guy.Finally,in the guy says,"yes it does".The girl gives him a long hard stare and says,"Your such an ass.Not going to go shopping with you anymore"

Tip for girls:Dont ask a question to which you already know the answer too.If the skirt makes u look fat when u look into the mirror then it does.Mirrors dont lie.

25th November seems like such a long time away although its just next thrusday.And after that,15 days later,I may be entrapped in the long arms of the SAF.I may be able to change my fate of such earlier "death".I am trying but it is harder than I thought.Maybe I am not trying hard enough.I shant give up so easily.

Was listening to some Christmas songs last night while studying.A little too early I know but Christmas is my favourite time of year.It has always been and I hope it will always be.Every year, the Christmas period or the month of December is always full of overseas trips,shopping trips and nice dinners.Not forgetting the presents.Who cares if I am 18.Everybody does hold in them childhood memories and it is once in a while good to indulge in them as part of escapism when you are not going through the best of times.It just helps to take you into this fairy tale world of bliss and eternal joy.Sounds too perfect?It is.A retreat from the madness of this world.Christmas has always been special to me and I hope it will always be.I hope this Christmas,I can be able to do something meaningful and instead of keeping the "Christmas cheer" to myself.

Guess I walked out of the exam room feeling good.No bad feelings in particular.Although I think I did mess up some of my arguments.But what is done cant be undone.I hope todays papers set the tone for the rest of my papers.2 down and many many more to go.

So many things I should have done to prepare for this.
Out of the many things I should have done,I really dont think I did even 5.
And one would think that at the crossroads of my life,something that would determine my future (in the materialistic sense) would be damn important to me.
I tell myself it is.Society tells me it is.Parents,education system...everyone tells and says it is.
But why in the world cant I take it as it being significant?
I am just screwing my life up.Why?Maybe to shield myself from the disapppointment of getting bad grades.When something goes wrong,everything just follows.To those who keep raising the topic about the sore point in my entire life...maybe you dont realise this but i hate it.So just keep out.If i need you comments and opinion i will ask for it.If not just shut up.
So I sound angry.And I am.Angry with me.

I am tired.
Tired of studying and just plain tired.
Never would I have expected things to come down to this having to handle so many things.
I cant worry or despair anymore.Its just to exhausting to do so.

I spy with my little eye...

I spy(spied) with my little eye 2 gay guys. Saw these 2 gay guys at the bus stop opposite Holland V today when I was on the way home after buying my lunch.The problem is not that I saw them but the fact that they were holding hands!Ack!!Yup...they were actually holding hands in public.They were trying to do it discreetly but it was damn obvious.Worst thing was that one of them was wearing school uniform and they are not your typical gay guys who are the good looking kind.One was quite plump and wearing a tank and the other one was in school uniform.I was seriously damn grossed out by it.Dont get me wrong.I am not a homophobe.I watch Queer eye for a straight guy and I enjoy the show.Its just that I find a gay couple holding hands in public not acceptable.To me it is pushing the social norms and bounderies to a nauseating level.

Even for that matter I find a hetrosexual couple making out in public or being so physically affectionate in public nauseating.Giving each other a kiss is fine or holding hands to display affection but there is a difference between affection and lust.And another thing,dont reassure your love for each other by being physically affectionate.Its not going to help.After a while,you either get sick of yr partners body or the nauseatingly sweet things he or she does for you to show their "love".Majorly gross.And I am not a prude.

Studying versus shopping

I am damn sick of studying already. It is just becomming the bane of my exsistance and leaving me in the social life rut.The only consolation is that everyone else is also studying.Well...at least some people.Did I mention I think the layout is a bit on the gay side?haha

Everywhere is having sale now and I really need to go buy some clothes.All my stuff is like worn so many times.I know people think I am damn metrosexual or whatever but I only wear t-shirt and jeans.How boring right?And I really need new clothes.

Talking about shopping Wing Tai Clothings sent me a few vouchers to use at their stores.Quite good discount.But their conditions suck.For a 20bucks voucher you have to spend a min of 80 bucks in a single receipt and it expires 2days after my exams end.Dont understand why they are so stingy with their discounts.What kind of brand loyalty are they promoting?Maybe I shall go get a suit from topman for prom.But I think everyone will go buy a suit from there.By the way...JOSHUA LIM, you still owe MY Topman card.

Woke up late again today.Woke up at almost 10.Had a weird dream about vampires aboard a cruise ship and I was on the cruise ship.

Decided to go down to the pool today cos the sun was good.Except it was a bit cloudy.Brought my Antony and Cleopatra down to revise.It was good at first, but then some kids came and spoiled it all for me. Not that I dont like to share the pool with people but they were playing pool and splashing water all over me.Damn irritating.I wanted to take the ball and throw it at their head.Or would my deckchair have been better?

Then there was this expat couple down at the poolDont know if they are french or spanish people.Haha.No.Not that they were irritating me.They were what we would call senior citizens but they were down at the pool entertaining their granddaughter with handstands in the pool and playing games with her in the pool.Its definitely something that we do not see our asian grandparents doing and its really an enviable difference between the two cultures dont you think?

Cherie the genius??

That was not me.Haha.Definitely not me.haha.Got a new blog thanks to Cherie toh.She thinks she is a genius for coming up with my blog add.Hmm...i really wonder.haha.Thanks taitai toh.BIG kiss for you.haha.

Its been a long time since i blogged in any instance after that terrible incident.Not going to talk about it anymore.Although it still haunts me.

Anyway...not going to make my first post too long.I need to sleep.Deepavali public holiday tomorrow.While everyone is out to play,I got to stay home to study.Bleargh.Goodnight

Cherie is not only a socialite.
She's a genius!