Soon...very soon I will be on a boat back to tekong.Thinking about it makes me sick in the stomach.I start to feel this fear and dread of the regimental life that I detest and the loneliness that I will feel when I am apart from society and from my family.Where every night,talking to them for half an hour is not enough.Some times,it isnt the talking,it is spending time with one another that matters the most.Words dont really count for anything sometimes.It is being with them and having them present that matters the most to me.When I book in.all these are snatched away from me all over again.Worse part is field camp which is like the major exam of BMTC where there will be stress in more ways than one.Talking about physical and mental here people.The worst part is that I dont think I will be able to bring my phone.Which means for 6days and 6nights not only do I not get to see my family,I do not even get to talk to them.Dont blame me for being depressed.Anyway.goodbye for now.For the next 12days.I just need to complain because it is my only avenue of release.See you in 12 days time.I hope...

The past few days off have been wonderful.I have gotten to spend time with the family,spend time at home,finally be able to take a warm shower everytime I bathe,catch up with people I have been so detached from in more than 1 way.Be able to eat good food and be in an environment that is full of warmth and love.It was nice to be able to see mom and dad and I really do treasure them a lot more now.I used to think that mom always liked to nag,but now,I just appreciate all the nagging and all the love that she showers upon me,Dad,for the many things that he does for me and the many encouraging messages he has sent me over the 12days that i was in camp.Went to the Hong Kong dessert place with Jon on Fri for dessert.Nice dessert,although Jon was such a spoiler cos he didnt like to eat mangoes and I didnt know.Almost all the desserts have mangoes inside,in one way or another.Then had dinner at J Restaurant and Bar at M Hotel with family.Food wasnt all that great but I still enjoyed the Jap buffet.Today was spent mostly at home,sleeping and met the gang for dessert at Big O.Although it might seem like part of everyday life for some of you,it has been a real treat for me.

Some people ask me why I do not like the army.I would like to ask how you like being treated like dogs most of the time?Those in power give you orders that you are expected to carry out with no room for error.Errors are punishable or even chargable through military law.Everything that you do,is dictated by people.You no l0nger have control over your own life.And to me,this loss of control has made me feel useless and that life has no purpose or meaning at all.This isnt how I want my life to feel.I want my life to feel like it counts for something.That even if I make a mistake,I still mean something as a person,not as a machine that is expected to churn out perfect products.For area cleaning,we are worse off then maids.Maids are usually given the whole day if not half a day to clean the whole house with the wide range of cleaning items at their disposals.We get little time,little cleaning materials and are expected to clean out every nook and crany off dust. And maids are paid more than we are being paid.

I do not have to go through army to be a man or to be more matured.As cocky as this may sound,I have faith in my own maturity,that has been cultivated over the years,in scouts,prefects and in council.Whoever says that going through physically demanding activitieswould make me a man?What has physically toughness have to do with my manhood?What has it got to do with my maturity.Sometimes,I question the maturity of those in army and those who have been through army.Being able to stand physically toughness is not everything.What matters most is ones' life experiences and how he reacts to people around him.Some of the strongest or physically toughest people may just be one of the weakest person.So army making a man out of a boy?I dont believe.I am sure I am more of a man than some people in the army.

Many people have told me to just take each day as it comes and to just accept it and not complain because it is something that I have to do.But I cant.Basically because this attitude is too nonchalent for me.I will never take a nonchalent attitude toward anything concerning me,my family or my friends.I am not the type of person who wants to go through a life of ignorance.Yes,no doubt ignorance is bliss but what about taking control of your life? I know I should try to adapt to whatever situation that I am in but I cant bring myself to be accepting of an environment that is full of politics,rank pulling and ego bashing. To me, my freedom and personal time is of importance, and when someone takes away something that is important to me, I wont be that forgiving or accepting.

Another 12 long days in camp when I book in tomorrow.I am going to be pulled/plucked, from where i am comfortable with. I really am dreading going back to camp.Its hard to aptly describe how I feel about it and how being in camp feels.But it is not a good feeling and I hate it.I have hate for it of high intensity.That is all I can say.

12 long days of loneliness,misery and sometimes a gnawing feeling deep inside of me that made the word emptiness apt in describing how I felt.After 12 long days, it was finally good to be back home last night.I am so glad to be out of that hell-hole.I really hated it there and I think I still do.It is not that I didnt like it at all,there were some parts that were quite fun but the rest were either a waste of time or just completely detestable.
For the past 12 days,I have learnt how to fight,handle a rifle,learn how to camofluge myself with leaves and disgusting camofluge cream,marched distances of 4km and 6km in a day,wake up at the most ungodly hour of 5am in the morning where even the birds are not awake!Basically,the past 12 days are something that I would have rather not gone through.When I am home now,looking back,I am just glad I got through it all.Everyday there is a rush,after one activity or lesson,you rush to get ready for the next lesson.Most of the time,they rush you to make you wait for the next activity.Whoever said the army was efficient and a decisive force lied.If you asked me what I had learnt the past few days,besides learning how to fight I cant tell you I learnt many useful things to help me on in life.So in essence I thought the past 12 days have been a waste of my time.
However,I have been made to realise things that I might not have realised.I realised how important family means to me.So many times,I have taken all the things I had for granted,the good food my mum prepared,my clothes always being washed,having the privacy of bathing!!And also realising how good my family is and how good a life I have lived over the past 18years of my life.The loneliness and missing your family is something I cannot descirbe.All I can say is that every meal time,I thought of home and every night before I went to sleep I thought of home and the family.Whenever I called home,tears came to my eyes and a few nights I actually cried over the phone.Living on the island is fine,but being seperated from family and all that is comforting and familiar is the hardest part.Living in an environment where everyone seems tense most of the time,letting down your guard down is not advisable.You cant seem weak,you cant seem vulnerable.You have to be tough or show aggression.Sergents are not meant to be nice and I hate all the screaming and the time limits they place on you.And did I mention there vocabulary is rather limited?At least in terms of vulgar words.I think there are 2 unspoken criteria to be a commander,to be a smoker and to use vulgarities in yr speech.Oh...and only 2 particular vulgarities at that.Goodness knows how many times I have wanted to castrate all of them and throw them into the tekong swamps.Whatever it is,I am just glad to be back hair or no hair.

Hi everyone!

It's me, teleporting my thoughts from Tekong.
I miss everyone very much; and I'm feeling real lonely and miserable, so do sms me if you're free. That'll be nice.
Some things are fine, but I just wish I was back home.

Take care, y'all. I'm counting down to booking out, then we can all meet up.

- Recruit Chek -

IN a few hours time,I will be off to tekong.New pictures are up from New Years Eve and from orientation.So the new photos should keep you occupied.Well,I will miss everyone...really...When I come out,everyone can rub my botak head for good luck.Please pay $1 first.Haha...I do not know if I am all packed yet.I just hope what I packed is sufficient.The thing about army is that every company has different rules and cultures.So what I pack may be enough or may be more than enough.Strange...We will see how it goes.See ya!I am off to protect and keep you safe at night.YEAH RIGHT!!!

This is one of my last few posts before I go into the army.Looking back,I see how fast time has passed and while I am encouraged that the 1year and 10mths will pass quickly,I am scared when I realise how time has flown.No such thing as regrets anymore.

To me,leaving on the boat from pasir ris to tekong,seems like a big deal to me. Call me a sentimental fool,but I leave everything behind. Almost everything,where although it is far from the end of any physical contact I can have with friends, i would not be seeing them for a very long time because of army and because I am not on the mainland. To me, I leave behind loads of things that I am familiar with,things that I am comfortable with,things that have become part of me where I have a very strong attachement to.

I just want to tell everyone that I will miss them all and when I am lonely, I will definitely be thinking about everyone.To the 4 lovely tai tais, Val,Cherie,Chia and Joy:Take care of yourself and enjoy school and each day that comes.We will go shopping soon when I am still botak.To Chia and Joy,have a good flight back and have fun there even while studying.
To all my other friends, I will miss you loads and loads.Not being able to go out with you guys is going to be painful.To my family, its hard for me to really say a proper goodbye,but I really love all of you and you guys are the hardest part of my life that I have to leave behind.To everyone!See you soon.Maybe will get Cherie toh and update for me when she is free.haha.

Today was a great day of catching up.Well,basically this week was a great week of catching up.Met Charmaine for breakfast at holland V today.Damn nice breakfast at Provence.On the way there,met Samantha Wong who I couldnt recognise with make up on,who was going to work at Next hair salon,washing people's hair.haha.Then ran into Edward and Selena who were going into ACS International.Then after that ran into Ben before meeting Charm for breakfast.It was great catching up with her and just talking.It is always fun to talk to her.Will miss her when she goes back to Vassar soon.

ACS International looks like a really nice school.They even have this resort-like sitting area for the students.The only downside is that the students are horrible!OK...i guess at first they seemed like little demons but as i got to know them they were actually nice kids.Sometimes,you cant blame them because they have been so protected and spoilt by their parents.When everything that you ever wanted has been given to you with the swipe of the credit card,you would expect other people to not only pay attention to you but to accede to your demands.But they are really nice kids when you get to talk to them,kids who at this age just want to enjoy themselves.Except for this exception.Lets call him Fendi.Fendi doesnt like people to touch him,thinks he is as branded as his clothes are.Snob is the word to describe him.I am more and more convinced that money isnt anything and everything.

Have been going back to school to see my teachers and to look at the orientation that is going on now.Looking at the faces of the J1s who are taking part in the games and learning the mass dance,I felt like I was missing out on something.As if I had left a part of me somewhere.Looking at the J2s running orientation as Ogls and talking to teachers made me feel nostalgic.It seemed like just last year,where I was helping to run the orientation and trying to help the juniors assimilate into the whole school environment and school system.To me and the rest of the Ogls,everyday was a new day,a new challenge and a day full of excitement.Its true what my teacher said,how we are all moving out of our comfort zone.With the new year,things change,people come in and people go out,we experience changes in our lives,each of us, going through a new phase of our lives.As sad as it may be, it is just life and of course it is hard to move out of our comfort zone.If I had a choice,I would choose to be at the point in my life where I am in council planning seniors night and orientation,enjoying not only the company of my peers but also the candid chats that we have with the teachers.Given a choice,so many of us would rather not move out of that zone,we would all love to revel in what is familiar,in what makes one feel good.I really wish I didnt have to move on.I really do cherish my experience in AC.Having said that,there are some things that I wish I could have changed to make it even better.But for now,I shall just revisit all that was good and all that was enjoyable.

Church today was the last time I could attend church regularly before I go into army.It has been a tradition in the youth ministry in my church for the whole ministry to pray for the guys going into the army, and all my peers going into the army are going in around the same time as me.When we were called to the front to be prayed for by the ministry,the whole ministry clapped for us as we went to the front.The clapping no doubt made all of us seem great or to a certain extent, "heroic".But that reminded me of the book I studied in school for lit. "The Red Badge of Courage". It just made me question again.What is so great about this thing called army?In the book,the character Henry is a soldier in the American Civil War and recounts how it was like when he enlisted into the army to fight.He got a hero's reception,everyone cheered for the soldiers where ever they went, there was even a tea thrown in their honor.All the fuss about them made them feel good about themselves,like it was a great honor and there was so much glory involved.This was however all an illusion and once they entered war,the illusion was destroyed.Because it was not at all glorious,not at all honourable.

This makes me wonder what is so good about army that everyone says,it turns you into a man.Or that everyone thinks it is so honourable to be protecting the country.Even advertisements enticing people to join the army makes the army sound like a job for a hero.I really wonder and feel that there is nothing heroic,nothing honourable and nothing glorious.All these are just perceptions or "myths" that I will be more than prepared to squash.Keep all those perceptions or ideas that the army is great or that the army is good because I can honestly tell you,although conditions are not as bad as war,it still isnt something to rave about.