I feel that lately I am not myself.I am living the life of a monster that I have created.Through my insecurities and fears of not being liked I have made myself into a monster.I dont even know myself anymore and I sometimes feel like I am losing it.I hide behind a persona which I hope everyone thinks is a riot.But in the end,I end up feeling broken and lost.

I tell people that insecurities are ok..I would like to celebrate my insecurities but I cant.I cant accept the fact that I cant ever be perfect,that I cant ever be having multiple accomplishments and that I cant ever be happy with myself.I try and be tough and I try to be whatever others want me to be.Sometimes I feel so tired but I dont know what else to do because it has been who I have been playing all this while I dont know the real me anymore.I feel frustrated and screwed up.Damn freaking screwed up.My heart feels so damn heavy.

I am rather protective over my friends.Esp friends who mean a lot to me.And I cant stand it when people always make personal attacks over and over again even when nothin has been happening.I dont understand why some people cant leave the past behind them and keep on being so jealous of the "dreaded" ex.Get a life and move on.Do we always have to harp on the past,be jealous of people's happiness?Be insecure because she or he cannot match up to you and so your insecurities overwhelm and strangle you?Like I said,get a life and move on.Move on from all your personal attacks,move on from all your bitterness and insecurities and cynical and sarcastic remarks.Because all these say a lot about your character.It says that you have none at all.You have a character that make people look down on you.You want self pity?Go get a cow to pity you because no one on the face of this earth has pity for anyone with a lack of character and personality.

To Cherie:Insecurities reveal you vulnerabilty and it reveal that you are imperfect.But you know what?Imperfection in beautiful because it makes you unique.And I am damn mighty glad to have you as a friend.Someone who has been there whenever I needed someone to depend on.You should know very well,that we will in turn back you up whenever you need.Dont let your insecurities get the better of you.Believe not in what you look like but in what you are made of.You have always been strong.Continue being strong.Ignore all that buzz around you and once you get over the low life you will feel damn tall.

To the rest like David,Joel,Bert,Tris,Serene,Ian,Ben,Mel,Joy,Val,Chia,Becks,Charm:You guys have been the greatest backing that I could ever ask for.You really lift me up when I need that little push to go through my day.It friends like you that have made my life such a blast and I really appreciate the little things that you guys do.

I know you think I am a nut case now.But looking back at some photos I took,I realise that I really miss christmas.And I am really really looking forward to that Christmas period again where I dont need to worry about a thing.Maybe I am having too high hopes for christmas this year.But all I know is that once christmas is here,I am one step closer to bliss and one step further from the mess in my life that I never ever ever want to look back on.I want my christmas.

@*#&$!!!$&#@

I just want to close my eyes and wait for all this shit to be over.I thought I could handle this and be strong and emerge feeling like a stronger person.But I am no God.Each and every person has his or her achilles heel.Sometimes,I just feel like bursting but then again I feel all alone.I want this to be all over now.And I mean now.Right this very minute.

-"There's more online than news sports&porn"-

haha...

~Half full or half empty?~

Half full or half empty?Whats your take on it?Pretty much like how you would make life out to be.Life is pretty much how we want it to be.No doubt we cant ignore the clear signs of how good or bad life is going for us.But its how bad we make it out to be or how positive we can be where life is concerned.Its like how we allow other people to put us down with their caustic remarks or their insults.We can let their insults affect us or we can go all out to prove them wrong. Or even simpler.Believe in this thing called self confidence and self assurance.I dont think you can go wrong with that.Guess you could say I am being superficial when I say this but looking good just contribute to self assurance and self confidence.You dont have to be perfect like those leggy models in those billboards.But look good enough to be able to love yourself for who you are.

I know I have often whined about how bad my life goes and how meaningless it seems.But sometimes we gotta give ourselves a break.Life isnt the way we want it to be.But it doesnt mean the cup will always be half empty.Life...its how you want it to be.

my life:messed up,a work in progress.I just hope it will be a beauty once things are in order.

I hate goodbyes.I really do.I hate seperation.Despite whatever I said about goodbyes was all too logical...too positive.I failed to consider the great emotional aspect of the human spirit.

Up till now,I am sometimes till confused and lost.I hate it when people ask what I plan to do.Its too tiring and too painful to explain cos I dont know what I want to do.I still dont know what my direction in life.I have allowed so many things to take a backseat in my life already.I dont know if it is time to finally start making some first steps in taking charge of my life.

And I Never thought I'd feel this way

And as far as I'm concerned

I'm glad I got the chance to say

That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away

Well then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today

And than if you can't remember.....

Keep smilin'

Keep shinin'

Knowin' you can always count on me for sure

that's what friends are for

For good times, And bad times

I'll be on your side forever more

That's what friends are for

Well you came and open me

And now there's so much more I see

And so by the way I thank you....

Ohhh and then

For the times when we're apart

Well just close your eyes and know

These words are comming from my heart

And then if you can't remember....Ohhhhh

Keep smilin'
Keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me for sure
that's what friends are for
For good times, And bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

~a tribute to friends tt never fail to make my day~

toothless wisdom

Went for my wisdom tooth op today.It sucks having to open your mouth for so long and it isnt a fun experience.I cant eat much except porridge and my cheek was swollen like a chipmunk due to the effects of the LA(Local Anesthesia).It was quit e a long process,having to wait for the op and after the op.Though the op itself was quite fast.I was a tad tense cos I hate having people probe drills and metal picks into my mouth.My jaw was sore from opening so long.If it was possible to have a cramp in your mouth I think I would have gotten it.The dentist and the nurse kept asking me to open my mouth wider.I wanted to tell them to shove it.Damn those people.But the dentist was quite patient and detailed.Kept telling that it would be quite fast and he was apologising a bit.Haha.Dont know what for though.

They returned me my wisdom tooth and one molar.It reminds me of the time when I was still a kid and my first tooth came out when I was eating char siew pau.haha.I remember keeping it under my pillow cos I was told of the tooth fairy leaving money under my pillow for my tooth.That night I got 50cents from my tooth fairy-my sister-.haha.I never got anything else from thereafter.Although I did keep most of the teeth that fell out.I think I might throw away this 2 teeth.