Went out with the guys today to watch Elizabethtown.Joel wanted to watch it.I didnt quite get what the show was about with a down and out guy.The shows morbid moments were covered with a bit of dark humor and it seemed a bit irreverent especially when death was concerned.Although if you look at it the other way,it was more of a celebration of life at times of the person they loved very much.

Of course I do kind of see how it was more of insecurities,about male machoism and how Orlando Bloom's character could not get into a relationship because he thought he was a failure,and he could face no girl as a failure.Although at first I thought he was just jaded.Still trying to get what the movie is exactly about.There was something in the show that struck me though.That sadness is surrender,accepting defeat to your circumstances.Why not try something else,some other emotion.Wallow in your misery for a mere 5 mins and then move on.Thats what I wanna do.

Lately,my insecurities have been getting the better of me and sometimes I feel that the more I think,the more my mind is in a mess and that one fine day its just gonna explode.I have just been feeling like I have lost myself.I dont know who I am anymore.Hanging out with my group of friends is fun(and I know David reads this) but sometimes I just feel so much like an outsider and I dont know how or what to say sometimes.Everyone is having so much fun sometimes making jokes and laughing about stuff but I sit there and wonder why I am not laughing.I have to hide some things from them lest they say anything cos sometimes I feel like its judgement.Maybe I am too sensitive and thats the problem.I am too sensitive.Sometimes,I am kinda at a loss.And I should just stop thinking cos I think too much.

2005.It seemed like a year of hell,a year of ups and downs.I thought I'd be glad the year is over.Maybe I am and to say that the year was a hell hole would be unfair cos I did have fun times.Womad,my very first mambo,council gatherings Cairns.Looking back,I dont think my grouses or complaints were senseless incoherent ramblings of mine.I would have done things differently though.Having said that the last thing I would ever do is to regret what I have done in the year.No doubt I have made mistakes,had laspes in judgements but never have I regretted.If anything,they made me grow and made me wiser.

I am thankful for the many friends who have made 2005 a year to really remember, for their endless support and encouragement.For trying to understand me and putting up with my antics.For my family who have been greatly supportive of me.For the times,I have had my eyes opened to the world around me and for the many people who have taught me more about myself.

I hardly believe in making any resolutions for myself cos I never really believed in resolutions for the very simple reason that resolutions never did happen.If anything its more what I want to do with my life this year,what I want to see different.For starters, I dont want this year to be about me.I hope to be more outward looking instead of being so self centred.I hope I can be the one to support and offer encouragement like others have done for me.I want to re discover God for myself and to be less high strung and be more spontaneous.And maybe get a girlfriend.haha

To everyone else.Have a great New Year!Its gonna be one of heartbreak,tears,disappointment,frustrations,immense pressure and stress,exhilaration,ecstacy and smiles.I hope its gonna be a good one and that your gonna have the ride of yr life.Make the best of it.