First up,let me reply to all the tags.

Serene:hello you!After such a long time you decided to say hi.Hope your enjoying yourself slacking.Miss all your noise.haha.

David:Hey.I know what you mean.I definitely do and I really wish I could go back to our teh ping and void deck days.I just am waiting for things to somehow make sense to me and for this change in my life now to not be some change that has no meaning for me.I know I have to move on.I do...But thanks.

Ulynn:Hey!What a big surprise.I do remember you although I cant remember how you look like.Thanks a lot of dropping by and saying hi.Dont have to make me feel better.I just need to find my feet and start walking again.Hope you have been good.

Wasted a friday in camp doing nothing but waiting to bookout.Army is a huge waste of my time.Friday night was spent hanging out with mom and later with Ben and Mel.Went to Coffee Club at Holland V with them and as usual Ben bought a meal and refused to let me pay even 1cent.Blew 80bucks there.Nuts.Haha.Anyway,I enjoyed my passion fruit cooler.haha.Nice!!

Met up with Jon for breakfast today.Getting updates from him about BMT.First time in 5 months having fast food,since the poor guy didnt have fast food for 2 weeks,we decided to meet at Macs for breakfast.Had Italian for lunch and dinner today.haha.Had lunch at Da Paulo at Holland V.The food was damn good.Thanks to Mom who brought my sis and I there.The food was wonderful.Especially the Tiramisu.Met Mom for dinner at Al dente at Holland V again.Haha.The food was good too.Making my parents spend a lot of money on food every weekend I am out.Which is really quite bad.Yikes.

Had a surprise for Jon at his house.We all gathered at his house while he was still out at dinner, under ching's instigation.We all blew balloons and hid in his room.HE didnt suspect a thing.Haha.That blur kid.When he opened the door,we were all a bit stunned.There was a momental pause before we all shouted "SURPRISE!!" and threw the balloons at him.haha.he was stunned too and was really surprised.Had a good time of fellowship with the school people at his house.His mom baked a cheese cake which was really nice.

Its been a long day.Really tired.So gonna catch some shut eye.

My MC is up and I have to return to the camp tomorrow.Not looking forward to it.Time really passed very fast and before I know it, its back to routine and regimentation.I know I cant be so selfish and ask for too much because 2 full fays at home is already quite a bit.But please put yourself in my shoes and you may realise that 2 days is definitely not enough.I know I sound selfish.As usual,the hours before I go back to camp are filled with dread and a sense of fear and disgust.Each time I want to change things, it goes back to square one.I really dont want to go back there.To me,going back there is unthinkable horror and I cant stand it.Each week will continue to pass with me counting the days to home,while I see that each week passes without any meaning in my life.How can that be my life now?Something I cannot accept.Change is inevitable.While I may want to stall change, life still moves on and changes without me.Time and tide wait for no man.It has not waited for me.I am just so sick of this.It has become a vicious cycle that I want out of my system.I want familiarity,yet,I do not want routine.I see God's ways,yet,I dont trust Him enough.Why is it,every week I feel so conflicted?Should I just go with the flow just because every other guy my age is doing the same thing?Can someone care to explain?

Ambition,plans for our future.When I was young,I always dreamed of owning an airline that would be mega jet that would be big enough to have a cafe,rooms for families to sleep in and maybe even a jacuzzi and playground for the kids.At night,beofre we slept,my brother and I would lie in our beds and talk about this airline.After a while,it changed to being farmers.Lately,its wanting to work in a hotel or maybe even own or run a chain of hotels.It somehow excites me to think of what my ambition would entail.I have no idea why I want to work in this line but I think it would be quite cool entertaining guests and trying to make them feel comfortable.

The thing about this,is that we can never be certain.We can be certain about what we want to do,but we can never be certain that we would want to do it.Weird.I believe that amibitions set us going in life,because we are hopeful for something in life and that sets us going.BY being hopeful,we are able to motivate ourselves and work toward that goal that we would want to achieve.Although,when we fail to achieve those goals,we lose hope in life.I sometimes feel that I have been disappointed one too many times in life,and sometimes I look at myself and feel that I have not done enough to achieve my goals.Its weird how life works.To all those out there,dont become a cynic in life like me.

Another week has come and gone.The past week was a damn long week and it was a torture to get through the week.Somehow,I am increasingly convinced each week that army is the most i nefficient and it steals your time.Range was a complete waste of time,where you spend at least 10 hours doing nothing but wait around and rot.So booked out on Sunday morning at 7am and was supposed to book in at 10 the same night.That was such a major bummer.So much for the "so-called" 5 day week.Scammers!

Went to Crustacean Grill for lunch with the family,Ben and mel and chalked up a HUGE bill of over 200 bucks which mom paid for.It was not too bad considering that we had 8 people.Had my favourite warm chocolate cake.Later,went down to town to cut my hair and at the same time blew 60bucks at topman.Whoops.But I have not bought anything in a long long time.Went down to far east to meet the guys and to cut my hair.It was quite fast and the lady cut my ear and my neck with the shaver as well.My 12 bucks went a long way eh.Stupid.It was good to finally meet the guys at island creamery.Went down to spend time with them and to support the drive David's dad was doing to raise funds for Wei Kong.The apple pie ice cream was damn nice.Would have eaten a bit more if I didnt feel full after lunch.haha.

Had a huge scare last night after dinner.Had gotten home from grandma's house when my eyes started to feel a little weird.I washed them thinking there was nothing wrong.Then sat down to watch tv,when my eyes felt like they were burning.Decided to take a long at them when it started to look red and swollen,then I started to feel breatheless and couldnt breathe at all and my eyes were swollen.My parents immediately rushed me to the hospital A&E.I was quite scared seriously cos I didnt know what was going on and its not a nice feeling to not be able to breathe.When I got there,the nurse got a shock and immediately assesed my condition.Could tell my mom was even more scared and worried then I was and she was trying not to panic.I felt so stupid when they put me on a wheelchair.They treated me and made sure i was stable before they sent me home.The doctor injected me to remove my allergy.It was freaking painful and my whole arm went numb.Anyway,they manage to get rid of my breathelessness and allergy and sent me home.Still feeling quite weak today,but I wont die.It was seriously a huge scare.Now I know what emergency rooms look like.

"Home"

Another summer day

Is come and gone away

In Paris and Rome

But I wanna go home

Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by

A million people

I still feel all alone,I just wanna go home

Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you

Each one a line or two“I’m fine baby, how are you?”

Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough

My words were cold and flat

And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane,Another sunny place

I’m lucky I know

But I wanna go home

Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home

I’m just too far from where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life

It’s like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not

Come along with me

But this was not your dream

But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come and gone away

And even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by a million people

I still feel alone

Oh, let go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home

I’ve had my run

Baby, I’m doneI gotta go home

Let me go home

It will all right

I’ll be home tonight

I’m coming back home

A song that describes how I feel everyday when I feel like I am done with my day,all i want to do is to go home,to a place where love and warmth exists, and i feel a sense of comfort.A place where I am not wrecked with fear or depression and tears, a place where I can lay my tired head at the end of the day.I am done.Please let me go home.

The weekends always pass damn fast and the weekdays always crawl.It gets worse and worse each week.I always ask myself if there is something i can really change to make everything better.I want to, but something is hindering it.Maybe I really need help.But where do I start?There are just so many things for me to think about.Everyone I talk to thinks I just need to stay positive and it sounds so easy but it is not.I know I may seem to have a better lot compared to the rest and it is now not so physically tough.But I hate that place more than I hated bmt and I feel more and more miserable and uneasy as each days pass.Chaos seems to rule my life and everyday passes like a blur with no meaning and I cant stand it.I want to listen to people who tell me to just accept it and go with it but I cant.Maybe Ian is right,I shouldnt,because it would mean compromising who I am.Or does it just mean making my life easier.I am starting to question my beliefs,God and what everyone tells me.Am I just too stubborn?

Patience.Its a word I have to not only know but be able to put into use.I have to be patient to wait for things to get better.But I really dont have the energy to wait any longer.As days pass,I start to wonder more and more about where my life is going and I just feel like I have been in a trance for the past 3 months and I have accomplished nothing as a person,I am useless.Some days,I wonder where time went,I wonder what I have done.I cant ever remember anything memorable over the past few months.I hate that feeling of being crippled, of being a burden to society.

As the days pass,I increasingly feel out of place from society,from home,from church.I no longer have any sense of belonging anymore.I am away from home too long to be attached to home and family anymore.I am like a stranger who crashes for the weekend.Home is like a hotel,while army is a job which I definitely do not belong to.That leaves me with no where to go,with no sense of belonging.I dont belong in church,because besides Ben and Mel,I have no one to talk to or I have no idea what to say to anyone,every conversation is polite conversation.All my friends have seem to disappear.Bert is now in Aust,Joel and Sean are busy with Command School.Its left with David,Tris and me.I cant see why all the change has to happen and seem to be the only one who is not able to cope with it.

Am I becomming bitter in life?Yes I am.I am increasingly cynical in life.I dont relish the idea of hope and optimism because I think we will all be left wounded by hope and optimism.I dont believe in the power of God because I feel like He has left me alone.In fact,I am angry with God,myself and my life.I cannot let go of the past and look ahead because I will be then left with nothing familiar,nothing that I can identify with and be filled with a even bigger sense of alienation and detachement.Some people scorn me and say that my circumstance is good.I know that I can compare with those worse of.But I am me and you are you.In every circumstance there will always be something that we cannot cope with and right now,I am in that place in my life.

I hate going back to camp,stayiing in camp because everything is so mundane and so meaningless to me.If i dont see any purpose in my life,I dont a purpose FOR life."Patience child" someone says.I just dont understand.