Patience.Its a word I have to not only know but be able to put into use.I have to be patient to wait for things to get better.But I really dont have the energy to wait any longer.As days pass,I start to wonder more and more about where my life is going and I just feel like I have been in a trance for the past 3 months and I have accomplished nothing as a person,I am useless.Some days,I wonder where time went,I wonder what I have done.I cant ever remember anything memorable over the past few months.I hate that feeling of being crippled, of being a burden to society.
As the days pass,I increasingly feel out of place from society,from home,from church.I no longer have any sense of belonging anymore.I am away from home too long to be attached to home and family anymore.I am like a stranger who crashes for the weekend.Home is like a hotel,while army is a job which I definitely do not belong to.That leaves me with no where to go,with no sense of belonging.I dont belong in church,because besides Ben and Mel,I have no one to talk to or I have no idea what to say to anyone,every conversation is polite conversation.All my friends have seem to disappear.Bert is now in Aust,Joel and Sean are busy with Command School.Its left with David,Tris and me.I cant see why all the change has to happen and seem to be the only one who is not able to cope with it.
Am I becomming bitter in life?Yes I am.I am increasingly cynical in life.I dont relish the idea of hope and optimism because I think we will all be left wounded by hope and optimism.I dont believe in the power of God because I feel like He has left me alone.In fact,I am angry with God,myself and my life.I cannot let go of the past and look ahead because I will be then left with nothing familiar,nothing that I can identify with and be filled with a even bigger sense of alienation and detachement.Some people scorn me and say that my circumstance is good.I know that I can compare with those worse of.But I am me and you are you.In every circumstance there will always be something that we cannot cope with and right now,I am in that place in my life.
I hate going back to camp,stayiing in camp because everything is so mundane and so meaningless to me.If i dont see any purpose in my life,I dont a purpose FOR life."Patience child" someone says.I just dont understand.
As the days pass,I increasingly feel out of place from society,from home,from church.I no longer have any sense of belonging anymore.I am away from home too long to be attached to home and family anymore.I am like a stranger who crashes for the weekend.Home is like a hotel,while army is a job which I definitely do not belong to.That leaves me with no where to go,with no sense of belonging.I dont belong in church,because besides Ben and Mel,I have no one to talk to or I have no idea what to say to anyone,every conversation is polite conversation.All my friends have seem to disappear.Bert is now in Aust,Joel and Sean are busy with Command School.Its left with David,Tris and me.I cant see why all the change has to happen and seem to be the only one who is not able to cope with it.
Am I becomming bitter in life?Yes I am.I am increasingly cynical in life.I dont relish the idea of hope and optimism because I think we will all be left wounded by hope and optimism.I dont believe in the power of God because I feel like He has left me alone.In fact,I am angry with God,myself and my life.I cannot let go of the past and look ahead because I will be then left with nothing familiar,nothing that I can identify with and be filled with a even bigger sense of alienation and detachement.Some people scorn me and say that my circumstance is good.I know that I can compare with those worse of.But I am me and you are you.In every circumstance there will always be something that we cannot cope with and right now,I am in that place in my life.
I hate going back to camp,stayiing in camp because everything is so mundane and so meaningless to me.If i dont see any purpose in my life,I dont a purpose FOR life."Patience child" someone says.I just dont understand.
posted by tim at 4:12 PM
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