So...I am back for the long weekend after a few days in my new unit at Sembawang Airbase.I am still not sure if it is the posting that I was praying for but I cant tell now can I?They say its going to get tougher each week.Frankly,I am afraid.Afraid of reliving my recruit days all over again.Then again,I dont know how tough is tough especially when we are realy an unfit bunch.

Met up with Joel and the guys.Joel in OCS,Sean in sispec,Bert going to Australia for his air grading,David a clerk in MDC and Tris the pre-enlistee.It seems to be getting harder and harder to meet up and we are all splitting up.Joel and Sean were talking about how they were not enjoying themselves and how their life isnt great.I knew that although they might have wanted some words of comfort,just listening would be the best thing.I have been through the whole BMT thing where sometimes,all I need is someone to listen as an outlet for my frustrations.I miss the old days where we would be talking about everything but army.Nowadays we are all talking about army this,army that.I miss the old days where we would all happily troop down to town to go shopping.We dont have the luxury of time nowdays.I really miss my old life,where I didnt have to worry about getting punished for every small little thing.When they say NS is being a slave for the nation it is true.Not only are you branded as a "slave" with your shaved head and 11B,you also give your time to them by staying in camp,you do whatever you are told and for every little bit,like slaves,we are punished harshly.Apparently the cover up is that it is all about discipline.Sometimes when I think about it,I cant help but have this feeling of rage that is within me.The feeling of hatred.I wonder where everything went.EVERYTHING that I used to enjoy and again,I have to settle for what is given.

I just dont understand why something that should be happy should be turned into a point of contention all because of me.Sometimes,I really wish I had a lot more patience then I have now.My impatience has often turned something pleasant into something horrendous, especially in terms of friendships,relationships.

I am really sorry for blowing up like that today.I really didnt expect it to be this way.Thanks for accomodating me in the end.

Oh the glitz and the galmour...

All that glitters delights us and tickles our fancy.The high life,filled with fine wines,fast cars and big houses attracts.Society has prospered and everyone is chasing after the high life,where being in the know,or being in the scene,being part of whats hot comes with the high life.Class,credit cards and Calvin Klein matter the most.There is nothing wrong in he pursuit of material wealth,but in the process of obtaining all of these,have we as a society become too shallow and selfish?

I have observed and often to my horror how shallow our society has become.In gaining all the wealth,we have lost our humility as individuals and as a society.When we walk past someone not as well-dressed as we are or maybe not as fashionable as society deems,do we look at the person with disdain?I am sure some of us do.IN schools or in our workplaces,we often exclude those who are not "happening" or cool enough.Humility comes into play here,because when we look at these people,we place ourselves on a pedestal by looking down on them,when in fact,we are not very different then them.We have become so shallow that looks and a person's background is more important in the issue of marriage than the person's character.No doubt,we are all human,and as much as we do not admit it,we go for looks first before character.We have progressed such that money earned is more important than interest in a career.

We have become so selfish that we can only think of ourselves and not of others.We are so selfish that we cannot even allow people to exit from the MRT before we barge our way through.As a society,we have become so inward looking that we do not even realise our hideousness.Everything that concerns our interest,we would sit up and pay attention.But anything that does not concern us,we just do not care.

What is the use of all the wealth,when we degrade as a society?What is the use of the glitz and the glamour when we are so shallow and selfish.Is it really ALL that attractive anyway?Because it doesnt last forever.When the glitter fades,what are we left with?

Its almost exactly a week since I passed out of BMT.I still remember the huge sense of relief and exhilaration that I felt whenI passed out.It felt like a huge load was taken off my shoulders. Today was a long day.Started of with lunch with Val in town.As usual,our little lady was late.Hahaha.Although she tried not to be late.Haha.Good work val.Although maybe try harder.haha.It was a wonderful time of catching up,although before we had lunch,it was a few detours to look at bags.Went off to the supermarket after to buy stuff for dinner at my house with joel,david,sean,tris and bert.Was too lazy to carry all the groceries back by public transport,so called my driver-tibs cab driver-to send me home.

Dinner with the guys was great.Had a lot of fun spending time with them.Always enjoy spending time with them,even though they like to bug me a hell lot.

Gotta start doing my uni applications.Never in my life did I think that I would have to go through so much to study in university.Honestly,the questions stump me and I have absolutely no idea as to how to answer them.Its either brain inactivity because of army or its just that I have not even considered those questions in my life,ever...For now,its a big headache for me...

The time has come for me and my peers to decide what step we want to take in life and that means what our career prospects are about 6 years down the road.All of us have spent lots of time thinking about what we want to be or even dreaming about what we will be when we are all grown up.I remember,when I was young,I used to sit at my desk and imagine being a pilot and how I could welcome everyone onboard the flight.Or at night,I would dream of having my own farm house in the countryside and earn my living as a farmer.Some would have dreamt of being a fireman or soldier when they were young.Very cliche by the way.haha.We have thought of what we want to be,but have we thought how we will be in our dream profession?Dont get it?

Definitely all of us have thought of what we want to do in the future,but we have not thought of how we want to do it.What I am talking about here is the passion that we will have or have for our jobs or for what we do.Passion in whatever we do is the most important.Profession with passion is known as a job.Profession without passion is work.Work is something that drains you and makes your life a misery.A job is something that challenges,that excites something that is vibrant.I despise people who do not have passion in what they do.Lately,I have come into contact with people who do not have passion for what they do.These people come into their workplace to just fulfill the minimum of what is expected of them and whatever will earn them their keep.I used to have a teacher not too long ago,who had no passion whatsoever,to impart knowledge to my class.She did come to class to teach us.But that was about all that she did.She did nothing to encourage active learning of any sort neither did she do anything to cultivate interest in the subject.In essence,she messed up and messed us up.

Very recently,I have had the "pleasure" of running into doctors who seem to have no passion for their work or for even taking interest in the health of their patients.I wouldnt even call them doctors,because doctors are supposed to care.But once you enter the SAF,you realise that there are doctors and there are those who just study medicine and HAPPEN to practise medicine.All prestige and honor is accorded to them just because they are trained to be doctors.But they do not deserve all that for the very reason that they seem to be there by accident or because there is a shortage of doctors.Some of them were even under scholarship which makes me wonder what exactly scholars are made off.

See...the point I am making here is that passion in what we do is so important especially if it directly involves another party.Because,not only does it affect us but it affects the people we come into contact with.It affects us because without passion,job because work and nothing will ever be enough.People without passion will always be disgruntled with where they are and with their lives.Not only will their job be a chore to them,life will become a chore.I never believe in doing things that I do not enjoy doing because I know that I will never put my heart and soul into it.I have a lot of respect for those who no matter how shitty their job is,are able to find joy in what they do because they have passion.Passions the word of the day people.

Relationships?A very complicated idea.Everyday,we form new relationships,strengthen old ones and break them.A relationship of love,a relationship of hate.It is all so complicated because relationships between 2 people can never be black and white.

How many times have we promised to love,yet have hurt.Or how many times have we promised to support,yet discourage.Many times.I was watching this show the other day,and there was something that caught my attention and made me think.No one ever sets out to hurt another person.No one deliberately hurts someone they love.Yet,we atill do it all the time.We disappoint our parents,break the hearts of the ones we love and of those who love us.But the issue here is not about who hurts us or who has disappointed us.The issue here is that we are all able to forgive.I believe the true test of a person's character is by how he or she is able to forgive.And I know,that I have failed that test many times.Why should forgiveness be the true test of a person's character?Because forgiveness is the hardest thing to do.It takes a lot to forgive especially when it hurts so much.Yet,forgiveness is the most beautiful gift anyone can give or receive.Because it means loving in the midst of hurt and pain.Hope I made sense...

By the way,pictures from passing out parade are up.

Its finally over.Thinking about it,the 9 weeks have really passed very fast.It seems like yesterday that I had enlisted.Throwing my jockey cap in the air gave me the extreme sense of satisfaction,relief and excitement.I was so high that even though my feet was full of blisters from route march,I ran as fast as I could to go get my stuff and run off to find my parents.It definitely has not been an easy route for me.Now I am just glad that it is over and that the support from friends and family made it so much easier.Just thankful for the long break that I have now...Gonna use it to recharge and reflect.Its time to take stock.Everyone should.

Went to bert's house to spend some time with the guys and the girls and see his new house.His room is damn cool...Its almost a bachelor pad and he sort of decorated it himself.Bert is really the cool guy.haha.Today was a wonderful time spent laughing at all the stupid things they did.Have not laughed so much in such a long time and it feels damn good.

I really wonder what I have turned into.Sometimes,I think I am such an ugly person that I cant help but look in the mirror with disgust.Have I become too shallow and too focused on myself that I am now so selfish.I really wish I could rewind time and go back to how things were.I just expect people to extend out their hand to help me,yet I become reluctant when helping someone goes out of my comfort zone.

I sometimes wish I am alone in my own world,with no one to bother me.My own place of refuge where the storms of life cannot reach me.Yet,time and time again that is not meant to be.Why is it,there are some things I cannot accept,I dont understand.Maybe I have not grown up in life to understand.But can I really have all the answers and solutions to life?I just feel like I am being dragged through life by my collar,eating the dust and mud,where everything is bland,horrible and meaningless.

Its been a while.Quite a while since I last blogged.So many things have happened since the last time.Life is so full of unpredictable circumstances and so many disappointments.I should have known that I would again be disappointed today.All my life I have always have had to settle for second best,always had to be content with less while I see others excel in what they do.Yet,after so long,I have refused to be bitter about it.But today,I feel like I am just stuck with second best.Again I feel like I have been left behind.Where do I fall short compared to the rest.No doubt,grades dont count,but its easy for you to say when you have been doing well.Its easy for you to say "Never mind" when you have enjoyed good grades. I have always told myself that I want to be remembered for who I am and not what I am.At the same time,I know that achievements do matter to me.Dont you see?I feel like I am missing out.

All my teachers all say that they are proud of me and that I have good results.Yet,to me,it isnt good.I really dont think I am asking for too much.I just feel so frustrated because time and time again I have been let down by life and yet I have not blamed God or life.But now,I cant help but feel like everything is working against me.I dont understand why there has been so much going on the past 2 months,but all I need is a break.I really need to get away.