The war is on.The war that I am fighting within me.Or so my friends call.It has been a very dark period in my life the past few months,the darkest ever and I am constantly having to fight off negative thoughts,constantly motivate myself,constantly search within me,trying to identify the problem.People cant really recognise me when they see me nowadays.I wonder if it is just because I have lost weight and hv lost my hair.Is it just that or is it really something more?I just dont feel like normal self anymore,I have lost the joy in my life.I no longer feel like I deserve to be joyful with what life offers.I can laugh,but who knows if I am crying inside.I can smile,but who knows that I am hurting inside.

Its this constant conflict that is tearing up inside.Everyone says homesick is easy to deal with and that I will have to get over it soon because I cant be with my family forever.I know I cant.Do they really have to state the obvious?Do they really think I am that naive?I am fighting feelings in my life everyday,fighting with my own thoughts.I do not even know what the problem is.Homesickeness is one of it.I sometimes feel as if it is deeper than that,but I do not know what.I am told to keep searching and keep looking for what the problem is.How much energy do I have to constantly search or to constantly reflect and wonder?

Yet,at the same time,I wonder if I am really troubled or just want attention.I have been whining for so long.Despite all the advice that has been coming in,I am still the same.Do I really want to be helped?I wonder...