I am feeling old,anti social and like life is just one huge big grey sign that says monotony.Somedays are just such a routine for me that revolve around the same 3 places.Camp,home and the gym. I know it just seems like the natural progression of life that everyone is caught up with their own problems and own busy schedules.It doesnt mean that anyone stops being your friend.But I am finding it hard to accept that there days where I have to be a lone ranger where its just me and my ipod.And honestly its a struggle.I dont know why its a struggle but it is. Sometimes,being alone can be rather depressing.Although after having to move around alone,you get used to it that sometimes crowds are too much to handle.

Nowadays,life has lost its allure and its attraction for me.I am hardly motivated to do anything.Everything i do is for the sake of getting it over and done with.I am hardly even motivated to write or to think or to make changes.Talking to becks always helps and I read a post in her blog.Its called think of pretty things.How life used to be so pretty.Sitting in the void deck in the morning with a bowl of duck porridge was pretty.Adrenaline rushes no matter how stressful made life so fulfilling.

For me,the beauty of life has be eroded together with the innocence of youth that we all had in school.I honestly mourn the passing of the innocence of youth because it gave me so much zest for life and made me feel like life had so much to offer.But thats all gone now.

Sometimes its the memories that keep me going.The memories of staying back in school late to rush revision or to have meetiings.The various class gatherings,council gatherings and SJIs.Like becky says,its thinking of those pretty things.

Right now...my tank is running on empty and I dont know what to do to fill that void.

Talking to some friends who have left to study overseas, I am always told how hard it is to fit in and how lonely it is over there. Everyone before getting on that plane is hyped up about going overseas to study but once that plane lands,the feeling of insecurity sets in.It sometimes makes me wonder if I can survive by myself overseas.I am damn excited about going overseas to study,get my degree in hospitality and be able to feel a sense of freedom that I would otherwise be unable to feel here.But there are times I wonder if I would be able to really be that excited for so long.Friends are homesick and I know how that feels but you find it so hard to say something but that emptiness can only be filled by the presence of those whom are close to you.

I got to say this.Some army guys were looking at my photos recently.Being the wolves that they are,they just have to assess every girl.Haha.Guess what?!haha.Chia,joy,val and cherie!!They think you guys are cute!hahaha.

I never really took notice of the damage done by hurricane katrina or the news that it made.Not until I watched Oprah primetime today during dinner.It broke my heart to see the devastation that not only swept through the city but also through the people and their lives.

The numbers dead,sick,missing,displaced is just appalling.Beyond appalling.I see how children and people look so lost and disillusioned not just by the damage done but by the lack of help and ineffective assistance of the american government.Families are split up,people who are sick have to wait for days before they are able to get any medical attention.It is just so disturbing to see the scale of destruction on so many levels.

Everything else now seems so unimportant.When you look at how much the people have to go through,you cannot compare with them.My heart just goes out to the survivors of the hurricane not only because they have survived but because it is going to take a lot more for them to rebuild their lives and to have to live on with the memory of friends and family who perished.I just wish I could help them.To actually be able to do something instead of just talking about how devastating the hurricane is.If I am sent there as part of NS i definitely wouldnt mind going.Becuase it is meaningful and it is real.Real life,real people and real emotions.

Its been a few months since I turned 19.In less than a years time I will be OLDer.The big 2 0. Somehow,I feel like I dont have any control of my life.Surely at this point in time,I outta be making decisions,taking actions to match my decisions and ideas.But I am still rather lazy.Still stuck with procrastination about what I plan to do and what I want for my future.I dont know when the proactive part of me will kick in but it better be soon or I am gonna have to kick myself.Even though its gonna be a seemingly long while before my next birthday.Time flies.It does.I definitely dont have time on my side.

Its starting to get lonely out there and as much as people think that lonliness is something undesirable,I am starting to get use to the lonliness that in the company of a large group,I sometimes feel misplaced.

Often I feel that I have failed as a friend.I dont think I have been as good a friend as others have been to me.I dont know why,I cant seem to carry on conversations with friends as normal and I always have to find something to talk about.And after a while,talking becomes a chore because I have to keep trying to carry on the conversation.Its tiring to have to keep something going frantically.I know that between true friends,conversations should flow freely.But of late,I cant do that.I dont know why and I dont want it to happen

There are moments when I scroll through the long list of names in my address book and wonder why despite the many names,I feel like I hardly know anyone of them anymore.Or is it because they hardly know me anymore?